March 18, 2011

Sometimes, it’s the little things that reminds me of the HUGE-ness of being a mom.  The other night, during Max’s bath, him and Gabe managed to soak the ENTIRE bathroom.  Honestly, this is normal, and they always have so much fun playing in there, that we really don’t discourage it.  Gabe isn’t in the bath with Max, but he might as well be!  By the time the water is draining, Gabe’s clothes are soaked and his glasses are dripping.

That night while Chad was getting Max out of the tub, I was helping Gabe mop up the floor with his bath towel.  Then I had him put both his and Max’s towel in the laundry.  We then shuffled both of them into pj’s, got their teeth brushed and sent them off to bed.  Before I headed downstairs, I stopped by the bathroom for a potty break (thanks pregnancy for making this my #1 pass time). I looked over and noticed both of the empty hooks so I got out fresh towels for the boys.  And it hit me.  If I didn’t get a towel out for Max, he would  never get one.  If I didn’t bathe him, he would never be clean.  If I didn’t change his diaper, he would never get a new, fresh diaper.  Max’s depth of dependence on me overtook me in that moment.  Although this wasn’t the first time I had realized this truth, I was paralyzed by the bigness of this yet again.

Gabe is a slightly different story.  I honestly think that if he were left to fend for himself, he would take showers and brush his teeth.  Chad and I were just noticing the other night how Gabe has NEVER slept through his 6:30am alarm- he doesn’t even lay there for a few minutes… it goes off, he hits it, and jumps out of bed, making his way straight to the shower.  This eight year old could take care of himself.  But he is dependent on us for meals, a roof over his head, and safety… for some reason, he can’t remember to look both ways before he crosses a street without a reminder!  He is also dependent on us emotionally.  He needs to talk and he needs someone to listen and respond- Gabe doesn’t do alone time for more than an hour- and that’s only when I “make” him go read for an hour.

God blessed us with these boys- and really there are times when I just think my skin is going to pop open because of all the love in my chest.  But He also made them dependent on me- needing me- learning from me- growing because of me. How humbling.  How huge.  The magnitude of the parenting role is so much that these words I’m fumbling and bumbling around for- I have the power to make or break these kids.  What a responsibility.  Thank goodness there is a big God leading the way.  I pray I’m attentive to His leading- I pray for Christ in me.

The other day, while praying in a small group, my friend Courtney prayed “God, despite all these blessings, we are desperate for you”.  That statement has wrecked me- in a good way- this week.  Despite all these blessings, despite me being wired to be a mom, despite the joy I find in mothering, despite the gratitude and gratefulness Chad and I have for these boys– we need God.  We are nothing, and can do nothing, a part from him.


A Heavy Heart

October 13, 2010

Do you ever just get overwhelmed with sadness?  I’m just heavy right now.  And none of the stories are mine- and none of them are touching me directly- but somehow, they all seem to affect my soul.

Leslie Evans:  A young lady my age, married a man with 3 children, 2 years after his wife/ their mother had died from Breast cancer.  Shortly after getting married, they discovered they were pregnant, WITH twins.  They were elated.  But then she went into labor early, and the twins were born at about 21 weeks, and did not live.  Shortly after giving birth, Leslie went into cardiac arrest.  She was down for 17 minutes before they could revive.  Leslie passed away October 7, 2010.

I have been following her blog, reading her story, watching videos of her life, and I cannot put into words the hurt in my chest.  I’ve been praying for this family I don’t know, and asking God to bring them peace.  I don’t understand why He allowed this man to lose 2 wives, and these children to lose 2 mom’s.  I don’t understand why her body couldn’t carry the babies full term, and why the water had to break early.  I don’t understand why these parents lost their daughter, and a brother lost his sister.  And that’s not even touching on the friends that lost, too.  Honestly, I just can’t make any sense of it.  And I don’t know her.

(A blog about her:  (Very worth starting at the beginning)

Lila:  My co-worker, Cherie, has a 3 year old niece who went to the doctor on Monday for a cough, and was sent straight to Children’s Healthcare for Leukemia.  This little girl will start chemo tomorrow that will last for the next 2 years.  And Lila’s mom, who lost her own mother to cancer, has to watch her baby, lay in a bed, while chemicals fill her body in order to fight this nasty disease.  Meanwhile, Lila’s father also has a type of inoperable brain cancer, that will eventually take his life, although he doesn’t have any effects/ problems with it now.

I’ve got to say, I just don’t understand this either.  As a mom, my insides scream upon hearing this story.  When Cherie told me about this yesterday, I cried, and as I type about it today, I still cry.  When it comes to Leukemia, she has the “good kind” but parents take their kids to the doctor for strep- not leukemia.  And I can not imagine how powerless and helpless it must feel, to be a parent, watching something like this.  Again, I don’t understand.

Kate McRae:  I have been following this little girl’s story for over a year.  Right before she was supposed to start kindergarden, Kate was diagnosed with brain cancer. They were able to remove a portion of the tumor, but due to location, couldn’t get all of it.  This little girl has been going through new treatments to try to beat this malignant cancer.  Her parent’s faith and prayers are edifying and real.  You can hear hurt in her mother’s typing, yet total reliance on God.  Again, parents with no control, nothing they can do to change the situation, and at this point, they just wait to see if the treatment worked.  They go back periodically for MRI’s and other tests hoping to hear that the tumor hasn’t grown, but expecting/ dreading the worst.  All they can do is wait.

Her prayer blog:

** These are by no means all the stories about stuff like this, I totally understand that– these are just the ones on my heart and mind right now.

Stuff like this makes me just want to put my people in a bubble to protect them.  It makes me want to use my time to write them love notes, and kiss them all over.  I mean what if?

But chances are, this won’t happen to us.  And I’m pretty sure that trying to explain to God that I was too crippled by what might’ve happened to actually discipline my kids or train them, or too worried about what could’ve happened to love my neighbors and serve my husband, and too consumed with fear to spread the Good News, wouldn’t be a good conversation to have with the Creator of the Universe, and a God that willingly gave his perfect son’s life for my sin, so that I could spend eternity with Him.

I am not one to question God, and this is not to say that understand everything.  I do NOT.  But that is because He is God and I am not- and I don’t have to understand everything- I just have to trust him.  But if I’m honest, that’s not always easy.  I know He’s BIG and I know He’s LOVE and I know He’s FORGIVING.  So tonight, I just pray that have the courage to be the wife, mom, friend, co-worker, daughter, sister, etc that God has called me to be, and that I’ll surrender control to the only ONE who deserves, God. Tonight I am casting other people’s burdens on Him- to God be the glory, forever, amen!

A Pick Me Up

July 29, 2010

I’ve listened to this song a MILLION times today and I just thought I’d share:

The Hamburger

May 31, 2010

The other night, we were supposed to go over to Anna and Robert’s for burgers.  But Chad ended up working late, so Max and I went without him.  We also ate without him and just hung out for a while, to see if Chad would be able to make it.  But with bed time quickly approaching, I decided to make him a burger and meet him at home.  I put lots of effort into it, making it just how he likes it.  I paused for a minute to decide if I should put ketchup on it or not– if we’re at home, he does not use ketchup, but if we’re at a restaurant where ketchup comes on the burger, he likes it.  So I decided to go ahead and put ketchup- along with mustard, mayo, cheese, lettuce, and tomato on it.  Perfecto.  Just the way he likes it.

I wrapped it up and headed home- planning to stop off for a milkshake on the way to make his meal complete.  Chad then called while I was in route and told me not to worry about the milkshake.  When we got home, he was already there, so I handed him the burger and went to put Max to bed.

A couple minutes later he was hollering for me, so I stuck my head out Max’s room and he wanted to know why I put ketchup on his burger- he didn’t like ketchup.  He actually says something along the lines of, “Do you even know me?  Since when do I put ketchup on my burger?”

I then explained my logic and went back to putting the baby to bed.

Ok, slight hiccup, but not a deal breaker- he could tough it out and eat or wipe it off.  No big deal.

It isn’t 20 seconds when he starts hollering again.  Seriously Chad?  It’s just ketchup– put on your big girl panties and get over it.  But being the loving wife that I am, I stuck my head out again to see him holding the bun open and saying “where is my burger?”

Yes, I had forgotten the actual burger.

I tried to tell him it was a BLT, without thinking, and this pushes him over the edge.  “It’s not a BLT, there is no meat, there is no B, where is my meat? What do you expect me to do?”  I lose it here- dying laughing, tears rolling down my face, can’t catch my breath.  I get the baby to bed and I’m still giggling.  And the giggling turn to cackling… again. I begin snapping pictures of Chad holding his burgerless burger, and this makes him more mad.  I retreat to the kitchen to call Anna and leave her a voicemail with the story.

Chad sits on the couch for about 10 more minutes holding the bun- he is at a loss with what to do.  I break it to him that he has to have leftovers- lasagna or chicken it is- and this starts the pouting.  Meanwhile, I’m still laughing… not a good combination…. for him.

But it’s the thought that counts, right?

The Weekend to End Breast Cancer

April 1, 2010

In September, my mom and I are joining forces with St. Vincent Foundation, in a 2 day walk around Indianapolis, to raise money to stop the horrible disease known as breast cancer before it gets to one more loved one.  I know there are many walks around the country, but this walk supports the hospital in Indianapolis, where my grandmother is receiving treatment.  Personally, I am trying to raise $2,000 in support of this.  Would you please consider supporting me in The Weekend to End Breast Cancer. Proceeds will benefit the critical work of St.Vincent Foundation, funding cancer patient access, survivorship programs, and care for the under and uninsured in the battle to end both breast and gynecologic cancers.

*** Please check out my personal page for more information on how to donate: *****

Also, if you are interested in following along with my Mamaw’s journey with cancer and the work God is doing in her life and our lives, through it, please see status updates here:

I know that cancer is everywhere and has effected all of us in one way or another.  I follow many blogs about people who are fighting similar battles– some of them with an ending that is really heart-wrenching for us still here on earth. This is the first time I’ve had to deal with it this closely, and let me tell you it really sucks.  I hope that not only an we all work together to further research to wipeout the nasty C-word, but also, that we will find time to talk with The Healer and Creator of our Universe about it all.  He is able to do ALL things, so let’s pray BIG!

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.  Ephesians 3:20-21.

Will you support me?